I am in sobriety and i have used substances that I have not been open about. I have relapsed before, and once I came forward with it, I was absolutely humiliated. I do not want to go through with that humiliation ever again it was horrible. I don't see how it's healthy to have to tell everyone in recovery. So instead, I put on a smile and just keep pretending that everything is OK. My outside life looks just fine, but my insides feel miserable and alone. I'm taught to Trust God and to be honest and open, but my perspective of the outcome, and the fear is so great that I just continue living a lie, and put the guilt far far back in my mind. I use business and distraction to keep my mind focused elsewhere. My life is good except for the minor slip ups that I had. My fiance is the only one who knows. I think of solutions such as geographicals, and continuing to act as if all is well still. I'm struggling with the willingness to give this over to God, and letting God have it, but I continue to take it right back. I need to know that I can trust God and that His plan will be better then mine. But then after I do that, will I continue to try to find the "easy way out" by taking a "minor substance" again? What will it take for me.
Wow you are sharing my story. I have been struggling with patience a lot also the last 2 years and I finally had a break down about it- because my lack of patience was leading me to sabatoging behaviors. I finally sat down with someome and told her this problem and we gave the impatience over together to God. Seek support from others, we cannot always do these rhings on our own. I am praying for you. I have powerlessness too. Two steps forward two steps back- sometimes we have to do this in order to desire the forward movement more- me included. Ita when things go well we start slacking- yet that is the time to keep moving. :)