I am making efforts at trusting God's timing and forsaking my impatience. I am overwhelmed with fear at times. Fear of missing the blessings, fear of being alone physically for all time. Fear of not getting the things i want in enough time. All kinds of fear fear of shame and embarrassment.. I am sick if being afraid and immobilized by it. I graduate my program today and skipped church because I have been exhausted all day i worked midnight last night. I keep bouncing back and forth trying to figure out where I am supposed to go with my future. When I decide its Florida I stop looking here for the things i feel like God has in store for me. When I get my hopes up that it's something here, I end up getting my hopes shattered. Now i fear getting my hopes up. I have no doubt that God will deliver, but I do fear that he will let me miss it. Is that how it is. I am so sick of this state of mind and the going back and forth to being hopeful and faithful and despair and discouragement this is a Rollercoaster ride and its far from amusing. I am losing my patience that I never even had. How long will I struggle like this. The lord didn't lead me out of bondage of addiction to be this fearful afraid and anxious all the time which results in misery. So what gives. When it gets better it lasts a short period maybe a couple of hours. My only instinct is to quit. I dont know how much more of this prison I am able to stand. Prayers please but I doubt even that I am supposed to be writing this here and expressing this bitterness so I am probably digging my hole deeper. Idk what to do.

Back on the potters wheel. Got my clarity but it was painful. God removed every thing I thought i needed to stay here for. Or so it seems. I am going to attempt to just trust more and complain less. Prayers please.