I had a God given assignment after receiving a promise when that promise didn’t come in three years I went astray. Like a manipulative child. First I tried getting the thing I desired on my own. Looking everywhere but where he told me to go. I was afraid to the thing he wanted me to do, well it’s hard to fully understand all of my motive much less articulate but fear and deceitful lusts, the pain of the pressing and molding, the pain of not having what I thought I needed to be ok, the brokenness and character defects, growing weary and then bitter. God spoke through various mediums we had a good relationship, I thought my faith was supreme superior even. I was a 35 year old baby. I wanted God to speak to me face to face like Moses. I grew ungrateful and eventually intentionally went back to using drugs. Idk if I gave up or was trying to twist his arm I didn’t plan to be enslaved again I forgot that part. Things got worse this time and bearing the spirit of God and interacting with people in that lifestyle is a hellish existence. Obeying christs commands around a wolf’s gets you stepped all over, however I wasn’t wise as a serpent nor quite as innocent as a dove I was more like a fool trying to serve two masters. My flesh and God it doesn’t work because I ended up hating myself and just missing my relationship with my papa. I prayed for the desire to quit and things most men would call evil starting happening to me, but it gave me the motivation to quit as I asked. I’m not entirely sober but I’m in much better state and functioning but I’m still lacking. I’m starving for Gid but my flesh is starving to. I need much prayer and I’ll appreciate any I get.
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