I have a question I would like to filter through a few of you guys. I have prayed about it and it is reoccouring and keeps bothering me. I have been praying for a wife. I have been pretty particular with the features I want in a wife. Proverbs 31 for sure. Loves God more than me Yes. Encouraging, compatible all these things are necessary. But i find it equally important to be attracted physically. I want her to be the most attractive woman I have laid eyes on. Rachel from the old testament. In my old life I have always settled. I have never felt worthy of a very attractive woman. I have invested the last year+ of my life to growth physically, spiritually, and mentally. Seeking God and to serve him, and let him change me. I intend to honor this woman and Gods commands the rest of my life. I fear I can never find this woman by my strength it has to be the hand of God that makes it happen. I would fall for the flesh 9 out of ten times probably. I fear God will send me a woman not so attractive but has emotional beauty and loyalty and virtue because he knows it will satisfy me more than a physically attractive woman or to humble me.. i dont know why this fear bothers me. I clam up when around woman i find attractive but not others. God is a big God and can do what he wants so where does this fear come from? Why do I keep having this fear, maybe it is the scriptures that says make no provision for the flesh or proverbs 5 there are several that warn of beauty. Its confusing because god designed things beautiful. I am attracted to beauty. I dont want one I do not find physically attractive. And the crazy thing is somewhere in me I know god can and will exceed my expectations but this fear is reoccouring. I dont feel ready to let go of this desire. I will keep holding on and waiting for it to happen and trying to resist my strength. And then when how do i know when and what to do. I am a new person how long do I wait, what part do I play. Do I truly just be still? Resist looking at all and seeking? Will I end up a lonely old man by waiting like Abraham and Sarah conceiving. When God says wait it could be a long time i want to enjoy whats left of my youth before I age to man who doesnt have the same desires before our looks fade. Thanks for any prayers and advice given.

Prayer for God's strength, and transformation. For me to see things as I should and to see my hearts desires manifest. For my insecurities to be be healed and my shynes and fear of being unattractive to gl away.

Praying that the lord changes me faster and harvest comes soon.

Feeling defeated and weak and depressed again in the midst of uncertainty. Its hard. I can't plan anything, I dont know which direction to go. I wish I knew.. I have pressure pushing me in different directions but all I am getting is closed doors and what seems like silence. It was a good little interval of not feeling so bummed out. I am sure I will see God's goodness and blessing if I can hold on long enough to hit solid ground.

I need vision and purpose. I dont know what dream to feed. Not vision of the future so much as just what I want to be. I have let so many ideas die or had so many doors closed that i don't have a vision of what i want to do with my life, I just know I want to serve God. But what will that look like for me. I want to be passionate about something. A channel by which I serve the lord, a title to look forward too maybe.

Starting to get a glimpse of who I am not maybe. I see a mask I have been wearing, or am I judging myself on what others think. A little of both i suspect. I need prayer to see and be who I am.